Notes on Momentum

it's time to trade visibility and aesthetics for intimacy and rigor

there's a useful way to frame this in terms of kinetic and potential energy. our world is engineered for the latter, as the free market aristocracy purveys illusions of choice, participation, and individual agency. endless consumerism and a narratively driven culture of narcissism dilute our capacity to advocate for our human fidelity, our "potential" over-allocated and unserviceable. the solution on a societal level involves the democratization of private institutions above a certain market cap, which downstream invites the public to advocate on behalf of human dignity, as well as a deep reintegration of the human condition through religion or something analogous. however, i think it's more interesting to consider how one can effectively generate their own unique, intentional momentum in the wake of said disorder.

inducing one's "kinetic" chain involves a desire to transform and a deliberate myopia that only selects for functions paramount to deep resonance. it's a game of who can focus long enough to figure out what they actually desire beyond obligations, avoidance, and vices. easier said than done, but not impossible, and i'm living proof. let me use the example of my time in new york city that is likely coming to an end as of december. it's too comfortable in all the wrong ways. it's a crucible for potential energy: spontaneous collisions, career opportunity, cultural exposure, consumerist hell… all information overload intended to trap the faint of heart. it can be and has been useful for learning many lessons of young adulthood, but its transience is functionally no longer aligned with my true goals in life. in particular new york was very beneficial for confronting my highly disparate and fragmented sense of self, but at the expense of intimacy and intellectual rigor. i am an outlier here, visible, admired, integrated, confident. but not resonant or fulfilled. it's survival under that perfect mask. a culture super useful for later in my teaching career, likely, but it feels unearned for the moment. it's imperative to diagnose when vanity or familiarity are binding you to spaces that no longer provoke growth. so i'm applying to phds elsewhere with the intention of cultivating a greater depth of knowledge and community, because that's what i value, intimacy and rigor. i'm sure there will come a day where even this notion changes. but truthfully it's about exhibiting that growth mindset and having one's desires robust in one's mind for each moment, without being swallowed by the optics monster or the trauma trap. choose limitations and you'll be set in motion.