Notes on the Down-Goer

my work was my escape in 2023. I ran as fast as I could from feeling inadequate, feeling crippled, feeling weak. i rebuilt an empire, with every minute of every day planned with intentional actions. i put too much pressure on myself for those intentional actions to be goal oriented, success producing, and self advancing. i struggled to have intentional fun. I became fearful of down-going derailments. I listened to my gut and translated it into action so long as what my gut was saying was acceptable and moderate. in reality, my gut has many questionable things it needs to say, and i need to let them fly as abrasive as they are. i noticed that despite the beautiful building i built, I still felt weak in a room, subconsciously pathetic, running eternally. my power comes from my unpredictability, and my lack of a fuck to give. I made myself small for the chance at love, the hope that I would fit someone else's life trajectory. I ended up weak because mom couldn't stop vomiting pessimism when it came to my health issues. i've been dealing with small fucking problems of self-estrangement since. once i remember the hell i'm bound to, been through, and built for, I won't be fucking bothered. we sometimes lose ourselves in the process of learning new skills, but no one tells you that it's best to run back to our inner child with our newfound understanding. intentional action must come from the unfiltered intuition, never from the need to control. there's no control after all. I am the epitome of a down-goer, and that's beautiful and special. I really do not have any more fucks to give.