Notes on Depth

endless stimulation, savvy analysis, detached indifference, good distractions all fail to seal wounds from my past. I desire depth, full stop. complete somatic fluency and intensity. it's easy to forgo depth and acclimate to the cognitive theme of the room, it's even engaging at times, and I am excellent at it. however it fails to be a sufficient target for life's trajectory. desire is a tricky subject for me, I brush away all my asks because often others find my preferences exposing, challenging, or incomprehensible. it feels like the only time I curate what I crave, it's holding others hostage (figuratively). don't get me wrong, all the logic and the measured emotional understanding really is a welcome skillset that is necessary to my progression through life, but while it's everything to some, it's just survival for me. I had lots of depth as a child, it came naturally to me, but after a time I repressed that preference in favor of intellectual speed, charm, intrigue, and social harmony. for the astrologically enlightened, I neglected my sun + venus rx in scorpio to appease my moon + saturn in gemini and employ my mars + mercury in libra. now granted, whether triggered by relationship trauma or not, this process had to happen anyway. I needed time to hone my style of interaction with the world, and to learn to emotionally regulate without hurting others. all good things. however now I am in a place where it is time to recapture depth with the container of self mastery i've constructed. an intensely private process for me, but also learning to employ it tactically in public, too. It's never left me, it's just missing its breathing room. it's missing its spouse.